Learning to identify, accept, and celebrate your own queer identity may not have been an easy road. Once you achieve self-acceptance and self-love, you likely experienced some significant improvements to your mental health:
- Did your anxious and depressed feelings lessen?
- Did your self-understanding increase, leading it to feeling easier to identify your interests, passions, strengths, and areas of growth?
- As your self-esteem and authenticity increased, did your friendships grow and evolve into deeper, more meaningful bonds?
Unfortunately, the path towards self-acceptance and self-understanding frequently features numerous painful remnants: reminders of friends, family members, and others whose reactions caused pain and lasting damage. This hurt can cause internalized doubt; a voice in your head that questions whether you have come as far as you feel you have, or whether your self-love is deserved. However, these self-doubts could not be more wrong. When these thoughts rear their heads, emotion regulation can help silence them without detracting from your mental health.
Embracing Queer Empathy: Understanding and Nurturing Yourself
Remember how many years you have spent learning about your identity: how you feel comfortable defining and expressing it. Your friends and family members (if heterosexual) have not spent as long exploring what it means to be LGBTQ. They may be more entrenched in the societal messages of anti-queerness that you have worked so hard to question and free yourself from. Thus, when you are in conversation with someone who has not developed the level of empathy you possess, queer empathy is key.
Queer empathy is the practice of understanding, validating, and nurturing your own emotional experiences as an LGBTQ individual. By cultivating self-compassion and acknowledging your unique journey, you can navigate reactions to your queerness with resilience. In moments of emotional turmoil, asking yourself four crucial questions can help you enhance your queer empathy. Then, you will be able to regain your emotional centeredness and navigate challenging situations with greater clarity and self-awareness:
1. What am I starting to believe about myself as a result of this conversation?
Explore the underlying negative self-beliefs triggered by the reaction to your queerness. Recognize that external reactions do not define your worth or identity. Are you feeling unloved? Unworthy? Unsafe? Like your needs are taking up too much space?
Challenge negative beliefs and replace them with empowering affirmations. If any of these steps sound unfamiliar or challenging, a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ clients can help! Remember, developing these skills is key to navigating emotionally challenging conversations, so there is no shame in asking for help as you learn and practice them.
2. When I feel the emotions these beliefs illicit in me, what is my typical response?
Gain insight into your typical response patterns when facing challenging emotions. Are you prone to self-isolation, seeking validation from others, or engaging in negative self-talk? Do you numb out with alcohol, drugs, pornography, or seek comfort and distraction through sex or unhealthy eating? Recognizing your default responses allows you to consciously choose healthier alternatives.
3. How true are these beliefs?
Connect with your authentic self and affirm the truths that define who you are as an LGBTQ individual. Mentally challenge these beliefs. What is the evidence for and against them? It can be helpful to break this down into two categories.
First, consider beliefs inspired by interactions with people who truly want to understand you, but have not accomplished this yet. You may tell yourself:
- They seem to have curiosity about my identity, which makes me believe they “see” me.
- They’re telling me, verbally or nonverbally, that they love me. That makes me believe I am loved!
- This person is paying attention to me; that makes me believe that I am important.
- They seem surprised, maybe in a bad way, but they may come around if they have more time to process. I believe this person has demonstrated how much I matter to them in the past, so I will give them that time.
Secondly, consider the beliefs that can be inspired by people who show you and your identity little to no interest or who judge or reject you.
- This person is not showing me love, and may not have the capability to do so. But I am loved. I am lovable. I deserve love, even if this person cannot give it to me.
- This is a bad moment that is making me feel sad/mad, etc. That sucks, but I can leave. I do not have to stay here and be treated this way.
- This person is acting like my journey is bad, but I do not believe that. My journey is important and I will not give up be4cause of their reaction.
- This person makes me feel unsafe to talk about my sexuality or gender identity. That’s awful, but I know I have other people with whom I can speak freely and be my authentic self.
Embrace your resilience, strength, and the beauty of your unique identity. Remember, your truth matters, and it is a powerful anchor in navigating emotional reactions.
4. Based on this level of truth, how do I want to respond?
With a clear understanding of your beliefs, responses, and personal truths, consider how you want to respond in a way that aligns with your values and well-being. Based on the beliefs you have established above, what will your action be?
- Will you practice patience and seek to understand the person’s reaction when they show you how hard they are trying to understand what you are saying?
- Will you take a step back: leaving situations that feel unsafe or too uncomfortable to remain in?
- Will you focus on your gratitude for the people in your life who accept and welcome you, perhaps taking time to reach out or spend time with them?
- Will you practice positive self-talk, affirming that you are the expert of your own experience and that you deserve to feel heard, valued, and loved?
Choose empowering actions that honor your authenticity and promote emotional well-being.
Embrace Emotional Resilience on Your Queer Journey
Navigating reactions to your queerness can be emotionally challenging, but you possess the strength and resilience to thrive. By embracing queer empathy, asking crucial questions to regain emotional centeredness, and recognizing when therapy can provide support, you can develop greater emotion regulation skills and cultivate a healthier and more empowered emotional well-being.
The next time you’re having a difficult conversation about your LGBTQ identity, try practicing emotion regulation by asking yourself the following 4 questions:
- What am I starting to believe about myself as a result of this conversation?
- When I feel the emotions these beliefs illicit in me, what is my typical response?
- How true are these beliefs?
- Based on this level of truth, how do I want to respond?
Remember, your queerness is a beautiful part of your identity that deserves to be celebrated and respected. By embracing your truth and developing effective emotion regulation skills, you can navigate any reactions with grace and authenticity.
Want to Learn More about Emotion Regulation?
You deserve to live a life that is true to who you are, free from the burden of overwhelming emotional reactions. Embrace your power, honor your emotions, and seek the support you need to thrive as an LGBTQ individual. Remember, your emotional well-being matters, and you are worthy of a fulfilling and resilient life.
Therapy can provide valuable support and guidance for LGBTQ individuals seeking to develop greater emotion regulation skills. Consider therapy if:
- You struggle with overwhelming emotional reactions that impact your daily functioning or relationships.
- Your emotional responses to reactions or experiences related to your queerness feel unmanageable or disruptive.
- You find it challenging to navigate and regulate your emotions independently.
- You desire a safe space to explore and address the unique emotional challenges you face as an LGBTQ individual.
Do you find yourself needing additional support in developing greater emotion regulation skills or exploring the unique challenges of your queer journey? As a therapist specializing in working with LGBTQ individuals, I understand the unique emotional challenges you may face as you navigate your identity in a world that may not always be accepting. Call (323) 870-2557 or submit a contact form to set up a free 15-minute consultation. Let’s dive in and empower you to navigate your emotions with confidence.
